Parenting a child with additional needs can be deeply rewarding. It can also bring challenges that you may not have expected.
You may find yourself learning about your child’s needs, navigating appointments and supports, communicating with schools, changing routines or constantly adapting your approach at home. There can be a lot to think about – and sometimes it can feel as though there is very little space left for anything else. Including your relationship as a couple.
When parenting becomes all-consuming
When a child needs additional support, it is understandable that their needs can become the focus of family life. One or both parents may spend a great deal of time researching, organising, advocating or trying to understand what will help their child.
This can affect the couple relationship in ways that are not always obvious.
You might have less time together. You may have different ideas about what your child needs or how best to respond. One parent may feel they are carrying more of the practical or emotional load. You may both be under pressure, but experience that pressure very differently. Sometimes couples can become more like a parenting team than partners.
None of this means that there is something wrong with your relationship. It can simply be a sign that family life has become demanding and that both of you need support. You don’t have to parent in exactly the same way. Parents can respond differently to the same situation.
One parent might want to establish a routine, while the other is more flexible. One may be focused on protecting their child from difficulties, while the other wants to encourage greater independence.
These differences can easily become a source of tension, particularly when both parents are tired or worried. Instead of asking, “Who’s right?”, it can sometimes help to become curious about what is underneath each person’s response.
What are you worried about?
What are you trying to protect your child from?
What do you hope your child will experience?
Often, differences between parents come from the same place: wanting the best for their child. Start by listening to each other’s experience
One of the most important things parents can do is make space for each other’s experience.
You may be living in the same family and yet experiencing it very differently. Perhaps one of you feels overwhelmed while the other feels relatively in control. One may feel confident about advocating for your child, while the other feels uncertain. One may be focused on the challenges your child is facing, while the other is more aware of their strengths.
There may also be differences in how each of you understands your child’s needs.
Listening does not mean that you have to agree.
It means creating enough space to understand what life feels like for your partner.
You might begin with a simple question:
“How are you finding things at the moment?”
And then try to listen without immediately offering advice, solving the problem or defending your own point of view.
Your relationship matters too
It can sometimes feel uncomfortable to focus on your relationship when your child needs support.
But looking after your relationship isn’t taking something away from your child.
A strong, supportive relationship between parents can help create a more secure and cooperative family environment. It gives both parents a place to feel heard, supported and understood.
This doesn’t mean finding lots of time for romantic dates or adding another task to an already overwhelming list.
Sometimes it is about small moments of connection.
Checking in with each other.
Thanking your partner for something they have done.
Sharing a cup of tea without discussing appointments or school.
Asking, “What do you need from me this week?”
Supporting your child – and yourselves
Dr John Sharry’s work with parents highlights the importance of tuning into a child’s individual needs, understanding their strengths, adapting parenting where necessary and creating an environment that supports them. But there is another important part of the picture: supporting the parents too. Parenting a child with additional needs can bring stress, uncertainty and strong emotions. Parents may need somewhere to talk about their own experiences and to understand how family life is affecting them. And sometimes, couples need support to find their way back to each other.
At Accord, couples therapy provides a space where both partners can talk about what is happening in their relationship, understand patterns that have developed and begin to find ways of reconnecting. You don’t have to wait until your relationship is in crisis to ask for help. Sometimes asking for support is simply a way of making sure that, while you are looking after your child, you are looking after each other too.