When one partner in a couple relationship is in recovery from an addiction

When one partner is in recovery from addiction, both people are affected by the changes taking place. Recovery can bring hope and relief, but it can also raise hurt, anger, worry and uncertainty that have built up over time. The relationship may be moving forward, while one or both partners are still trying to make sense of what happened.

There is no single path through recovery. It may involve professional treatment, peer support, medication, family support and changes in daily life. The person in recovery may need to focus on their wellbeing and the supports that help them sustain their change. Recovery from an addiction is an ongoing process, and each person’s needs and goals may differ.

One relationship, two experiences,

The partner who is not in recovery has experienced broken promises, secrecy, strains and pressures, worry and the unpredictability of addiction. They may feel very relieved that change has come at last while still feeling very hurt, deceived, angry, abandoned, let down. Those feelings do not mean they are unsupportive. They need time, acknowledgement of what happened, apologies, and hope of commitment, trust, honesty, transparency, and dependability.

The person in recovery is very likely to be carrying shame, regret or fear that the relationship might not be able to be repaired. They may want to show that things are different, while also feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to reassure their partner. Recovery can become the main focus for a time, and this may leave the partner impacted by their partner’s addiction feeling that the relationship has been pushed aside. These reactions can coexist; neither person’s experience cancels out the other’s.

Trust grows incrementally through repeated actions

Trust is rarely restored by one conversation or a promise. It tends to grow through small, consistent actions over time: being honest, following through, communicating about difficulties and taking full responsibility for the impact of past behaviour. The partner who has been hurt should not be expected to “just move on” in one fell swoop.

At the same time, rebuilding trust is helped when both people can talk about what they need now, rather than always being drawn into repeated arguments about past behaviours. A balance needs to be achieved over time between acknowledging the past, taking responsibility for hurts and abandonment and also on building a new relationship and a better future for the relationship and family.

The person in recovery needs to know that when their partner talks about the impact of addiction on them and the family it is not to punish them rather to help them understand as much as they can what it was like for their partner and their children, while the partner was in active addiction.

Clear boundaries can help when building a new couple relationship. These can include explicit agreements about transparency, money, social situations, and communication with others. Boundaries are about what a person needs to feel safe and what they need to do to protect their wellbeing; they are not a way to control another person’s recovery. Only the person in recovery can control their behaviours albeit with the supports they need.

Support without taking responsibility for recovery

A partner can offer encouragement, listen and recognise progress. But they cannot do the other person’s recovery for them. The person in recovery needs to take responsibility for their own support plan and seek help when difficulties arise. The other partner may also need support that is separate from the relationship—through a trusted person, a family support service, personal therapy or a peer group. The HSE lists services for families affected by alcohol problems, and its drug and alcohol information includes support for family members.

Couple therapy can help partners repair and build a new and healthier couple relationship, connect, communicate effectively, set boundaries and acknowledge the effects of addiction on the relationship and family life. It is not a substitute for addiction treatment or individual personal therapy.

Couple therapy would not be helpful if one partner does not acknowledge their addiction or have supports in place to support them in their recovery

A new relationship

Recovery can create an opportunity for the couple to build a different kind of relationship—one built on honesty, transparency, steadiness, shared care and togetherness. That does not mean returning to how things were before. It means exploring any problems there were in the relationship other than addiction and beginning to build a safer and more connected relationship.

The aim is not for one partner to monitor the other, or for the other to prove their worth through perfect recovery. It is for each person to take responsibility for their part: one for their recovery and wellbeing, the other for their own wellbeing, and both for the choices they make and for their couple relationship and family life . Progress may be uneven, but compassion, connection, honest communication and appropriate support can help a couple face all they need to and build a better and healthier relationship into the future.