Getting married is an exciting step in a couple’s relationship. There may be a wedding to plan, a home to organise and countless decisions to make. But while choosing the venue, planning the celebration and thinking about the future are important, some of the most valuable conversations happen away from the wedding plans. Marriage is about building a life together. Taking time to talk openly about your hopes, expectations, values and concerns can help you understand each other more deeply and prepare for married life. There is no such thing as a couple who agrees on everything. A strong relationship is not about having identical views. It is about being able to talk about differences, listen to each other and find ways of making important decisions together.
As part of your marriage preparation, here are 10 important conversations to have before getting married.
1. What does marriage mean to each of us?
You may have been together for years, but have you actually talked about what marriage means to each of you? Your ideas about marriage may have been shaped by your family, culture, faith, previous experiences and the relationships you have seen around you. For one person, marriage might represent lifelong companionship. For another, it may be strongly connected to family, faith or creating a home together.
Talk about:
-What does being married mean to you?
-What do you hope marriage will add to our relationship?
-What do you think makes a good marriage?
-What do you believe each partner’s responsibilities should be?
-What are you most looking forward to about married life?
You don’t need to have exactly the same answers. Understanding each other’s expectations can help prevent assumptions later.
2. How will we handle money?
Money is one of the areas where couples can have very different expectations. You may have different attitudes towards spending, saving, debt, financial independence or sharing expenses. Before getting married, it is worth having an honest conversation about your financial situation and your expectations for the future.
Talk about:
-How will we manage our finances?
-Will we have joint accounts, separate accounts or a combination?
-How do we feel about saving and spending?
-Are there debts or financial commitments either of us needs to know about?
-What are our financial priorities?
-How will we make major financial decisions?
The aim isn’t to agree on every euro. It is to develop a shared understanding of how you want to manage money as a couple.
3. Do we want children, and how do we imagine family life?
For some couples, having children is something they have always imagined. For others, it may be less certain. Even when both partners want children, they may have different ideas about when, how many or what family life will look like. This conversation can include:
-Do we want children?
-How do we feel about when to start a family?
-How might we approach fertility difficulties if they arise?
-What are our expectations around parenting?
-How would we share childcare and household responsibilities?
-What role might grandparents and extended family have?
There may not be a simple answer to every question. What matters is being able to talk honestly about your hopes, fears and expectations.
4. How will we deal with disagreements and conflict?
Every couple disagrees. The important question isn’t whether you will have conflict in your marriage. It is how you will handle it when it happens. Some people want to talk immediately when something is wrong. Others need time to think and calm down before they can have a productive conversation.
You might want to ask:
-What happens when we disagree?
-How did our families deal with conflict?
-What helps each of us feel heard?
-What makes conflict worse?
-How do we repair things after an argument?
-Are there behaviours we both agree are not acceptable during disagreements?
Learning how each of you responds to conflict can help you recognise unhelpful patterns before they become established. A healthy relationship doesn’t require couples to avoid disagreement. It requires them to learn how to disagree with respect.
5. How will we divide household and family responsibilities?
Expectations about household responsibilities can remain unspoken until they become a source of resentment. Talk about the everyday work involved in running a home – cooking, cleaning, shopping, finances, appointments, administration and eventually childcare if you have children.
Ask yourselves:
What does “fair” look like to each of us? Fair does not always mean doing exactly 50% each. Work patterns, health, children and other responsibilities can change over time. The important thing is to develop a shared understanding and remain willing to revisit it as life changes.
6. How important are family, friends and extended relationships?
Getting married means bringing two lives together, including the relationships that already matter to each of you. Extended family can be a wonderful source of support, but it can also create challenges if couples have different expectations about boundaries, time and involvement.
Talk about:
-How often do we expect to see our families?
-How will we spend holidays and special occasions?
-What boundaries might we need with family members?
-How involved do we want our families to be in our lives?
-How will we support each other if there is tension with a family member?
It can also be useful to talk about friendships and how you will maintain your individual friendships alongside your relationship.
7. What do we need from each other emotionally?
Being married is not only about sharing a home and responsibilities. It is also about emotional connection. People experience and express love differently. One person may value words of affection, while another feels most loved through practical support, time together or physical affection.
Talk about:
-What makes each of us feel loved and appreciated?
-How do we know when the other person needs support?
-How comfortable are we talking about difficult emotions?
-What helps us feel emotionally close?
-How will we make time for each other when life becomes busy?
Emotional closeness doesn’t happen automatically because you are married. Like other aspects of a relationship, it benefits from attention and care.
8. What are our expectations around intimacy and sex?
Intimacy is an important part of many marriages, but it can be difficult to talk about openly. Couples can have different expectations around sex, affection, frequency, privacy and physical closeness. These differences can become more noticeable during stressful periods or when circumstances change. Before marriage, it can be helpful to create a safe space to talk honestly about:
-What does intimacy mean to each of us?
-How do we express physical affection?
-What helps each of us feel comfortable and connected?
-How will we talk about changes in our sexual relationship?
-How will we respond if one of us is experiencing difficulties?
Being able to talk openly and respectfully about intimacy can help couples maintain connection throughout their marriage.
9. How will our faith, values and beliefs shape our life together?
For many couples, faith and values play an important role in their relationship and their vision for marriage. You may share the same faith but have different practices or expectations. Or you may have different beliefs that you need to understand and respect within your relationship.
Consider talking about:
-What values are most important to us?
-How will faith or spirituality be part of our married life?
-How might we approach religious traditions and celebrations?
-How will we make decisions when our values differ?
-If we have children, how will we approach their faith and values?
These conversations can help couples understand not only what they believe, but why those beliefs matter to them.
10. How will we keep our relationship strong when life gets difficult?
Perhaps the most important conversation is about how you will look after your relationship when life doesn’t go according to plan. Marriage can include wonderful experiences, but couples can also face unemployment, illness, financial pressure, fertility difficulties, bereavement, parenting challenges, caring responsibilities and other unexpected changes.
Talk about:
-How will we support each other during difficult periods?
-What helps us reconnect when we feel distant?
-How will we make time for our relationship?
-What signs might tell us that we are struggling?
-Who could we turn to for support?
-Would we be willing to seek professional relationship support if we needed it?
Seeking help isn’t a sign that a relationship has failed. Sometimes getting support early can help couples understand each other better and prevent difficulties from becoming more deeply established.
Marriage Preparation Is About More Than Planning a Wedding
Preparing for marriage is not simply about getting ready for the wedding day. It is about preparing for the life you will build together afterwards. These conversations aren’t designed to give couples all the answers. They are an invitation to keep talking. You may discover that you have different expectations about money, family, children, intimacy or conflict. That doesn’t necessarily mean you are incompatible. In many cases, discovering your differences gives you an opportunity to understand each other and decide together how you want to approach them.
The goal isn’t to agree on everything. The goal is to know each other well enough to talk about the things that matter.
Marriage Preparation with Accord
Accord’s Marriage Preparation Programme gives couples an opportunity to explore some of the important areas that can shape married life. The programme encourages couples to reflect on their relationship, communicate openly and consider the practical and emotional aspects of building a life together. Marriage preparation isn’t about finding a perfect relationship. It’s about taking time to understand each other, recognise your strengths and identify areas you may want to continue working on together. Your wedding is one day. Your marriage is the life you build together.
[Find out more about Accord’s Marriage Preparation Programme]
Frequently Asked Questions About Marriage Preparation
What should couples talk about before getting married?
Important conversations before marriage can include money, children, conflict, household responsibilities, family relationships, intimacy, faith, values and how you will support each other through difficult times.
Is it normal for couples to disagree about important issues before marriage?
Yes. Couples can have different views and expectations about many aspects of married life. What matters is being able to discuss differences openly, listen to each other and work towards decisions together.
What is marriage preparation?
Marriage preparation gives couples an opportunity to reflect on their relationship and explore areas that can be important to married life, including communication, conflict, expectations, family, intimacy and shared values.
Why is communication important before marriage?
Open communication allows couples to understand each other’s expectations and identify areas where they may have different views. Developing these skills before marriage can help couples navigate challenges together throughout their relationship.
Can marriage preparation help couples who already have a strong relationship?
Yes. Marriage preparation isn’t only for couples experiencing difficulties. It can give couples who are already in a strong relationship an opportunity to reflect on their future together and have conversations they may not otherwise make time for.
What questions should we ask each other before getting married?
There is no definitive list of questions every couple must answer. Useful conversations include how you will manage money, whether you want children, how you handle conflict, your expectations around intimacy, how you will manage family relationships and how you will support each other through difficult times.