Conflict is a normal and inevitable part of every couple relationship.

When two people build a life together, they bring different personalities, family histories, expectations, values, needs and ways of communicating. It would be totally unrealistic to expect them always to agree. A healthy relationship is not one without conflict. What matters much more is how couples manage their differences and how they get back on track afterwards. Children do not need parents who never disagree.

Research distinguishes between destructive and constructive ways of managing couple conflict. Prof Gordon Harold and colleagues have specifically studied children’s perceptions of both constructive and destructive marital conflict. When children see adults disagree respectfully and resolve or manage their differences, conflict can become an opportunity for learning. They see that two people can love each other while holding different opinions. They can learn that anger and frustration can be expressed without humiliation or cruelty; that another person’s point of view can be listened to; and that people can compromise, apologise and get back on track in a relationship after something has gone wrong.

Dr John Gottman’s work similarly emphasises that children’s emotional development is not helped simply by parents avoiding all conflict. Children can learn important relational and emotional skills by observing adults acknowledging their feelings and working through disagreements constructively.

When conflict becomes harmful
There is a very important difference between disagreement and conflict that is frequent, intense, hostile, frightening or repeatedly unresolved. Professor Gordon Harold has conducted extensive research into interparental conflict and children’s wellbeing. His research shows that children’s adjustment is influenced not simply by whether parents disagree, but by the nature of the conflict they witness and experience within the family. Research involving Prof Harold and his colleagues found that children exposed to greater interparental conflict were more likely to experience the conflict as threatening or to blame themselves for it. These responses were, in turn, associated with emotional and behavioural difficulties for them. Children do not have to be directly involved in an argument to be affected by it. They can be very sensitive to the emotional climate in their home. Repeated shouting, hostility, contempt, personal attacks, threats, aggressive behaviour, prolonged withdrawal or the silent treatment can leave children feeling uncertain about the security of their family relationships.

Dr John Gottman and Lynn Katz’s longitudinal research also found links between particular patterns of hostile couple conflict and later emotional and behavioural difficulties in children.Children should never be asked to take sides in parental conflict, carry messages from one parent to the other parent, keep secrets about one parent from another or feel responsible for making peace between adults.

The importance of getting back on track in conflict
Disagreement itself is not necessarily harmful.No couple manages every disagreement perfectly. There will be times when we become defensive, say something we regret, withdraw from a conversation or fail to listen properly. One of the most important relationship skills is therefore getting back on track together, sometimes referred to as repairing.
Getting back on track/Repairing can involve saying:
“I didn’t handle that well.”
“I’m sorry for what I said.”
“I can see that I hurt you.”
“Can we start this conversation again?”
“I don’t agree with you, but I want to understand how you feel.”

For children, witnessing parents getting back on track appropriately can be reassuring. They see that an argument does not necessarily mean that a relationship is falling apart. Gottman’s research on couple relationships has identified the ability to recover or repair (get back on track), following conflict as a hugely important feature of effective emotional regulation between partners.

What are children learning from adults?
Children learn about relationships long before they begin relationships of their own. The adults around them provide some of their earliest lessons about what love looks like, how anger is expressed, whether it is safe to disagree and what happens when somebody makes a mistake. When conflict is handled constructively, children can learn:

• We can disagree without disrespecting each other.
• Strong feelings do not have to turn into frightening behaviour.
• Listening is very important.
• Problems can be discussed.
• Compromise is always possible.
• It is important to take responsibility when we hurt someone.
• Saying sorry matters.
• Relationships can recover after difficult moments.

These are valuable lessons that children can carry into friendships, family relationships and, eventually, their own intimate relationships.

When couples become stuck in conflict
Sometimes couples find themselves repeating the same conflict over and over again. One person may pursue while the other withdraws. Small disagreements quickly escalate. Both partners may become defensive. Old hurts enter new arguments, and gradually each person can begin to feel unheard, misunderstood or disconnected. At this point, it can become difficult to change the pattern without support.

Couple therapy can help.
Couple therapy is not about deciding who is right and who is wrong. It offers couples a safe and structured space to understand what happens between them when conflict begins, recognise recurring patterns, communicate their underlying feelings and needs more clearly to one another, and develop healthier ways of responding to each other. Couples can learn to slow difficult conversations down, listen effectively, regulate strong emotions and, importantly, repair the relationship when things go wrong. Seeking support does not mean that a relationship has failed. Sometimes it means that two people recognise that the way they are managing conflict is no longer working and want to find a different way forward.

Children don’t need perfect parental relationships
Perhaps the most reassuring message for parents is that children do not need to grow up watching a perfect couple. No such couple exists. What children benefit from seeing is something much more realistic: two imperfect people who can disagree, listen, take responsibility, apologise, repair and find their way back to one another.

Conflict is inevitable.
How we manage it can make all the difference — not only to the couple relationship, but to the children who are learning about love and relationships by watching us.