When a couple experiences grief and loss, it can impact the relationship in a number of ways. You may both be grieving, but you may not grieve in the same way.
One of you might need to talk about what happened. The other might find it difficult to talk at all. One might want closeness and reassurance, while the other needs time alone. One may throw themselves into practical tasks, while the other feels overwhelmed by emotion. Sometimes, without either person intending it, grief can create distance between a couple at precisely the time they most need each other.
There is no single way to grieve
Grief is deeply personal. Even when two people have experienced exactly the same loss, their responses can be very different.One partner might cry frequently and want to talk about the person who has died. The other might cope by keeping busy, returning to work or focusing on practical things that need to be done.
It can be easy to misinterpret these differences.
“You don’t seem upset.”
“You don’t want to talk to me.”
“You expect me to be okay when I’m not.”
“I need some space, but you think that means I don’t care.”
Neither partner necessarily has the wrong response. They may simply be trying to cope with an overwhelming experience in different ways. Understanding this can be an important first step towards staying connected.
When one partner is grieving and the other isn’t
There can be another layer of difficulty when the loss has happened primarily to one partner.Perhaps one partner has lost a parent, sibling or close friend, while the other has not experienced the same loss. Or perhaps one partner is grieving a miscarriage, infertility, a significant change in their health or another loss that their partner has not experienced in the same way.
The grieving partner may feel that no one can really understand what they are going through – including the person closest to them. They may need to talk about the person they have lost, revisit memories or express their sadness repeatedly. Their partner may want to help but feel unsure what to say or worry that they will make things worse. Over time, this can create a painful gap.
The grieving partner may think:
“You don’t understand how difficult this is for me.”
“I need you to be there for me.”
“It feels like you’ve moved on, but I can’t.”
Meanwhile, the partner who isn’t experiencing the grief in the same way may be thinking:
“I don’t know how to help.”
“I feel helpless when I see you hurting.”
“I thought giving you space was what you needed.”
“I’m worried that anything I say will be wrong.”
The partner who isn’t grieving may also experience difficult emotions of their own. They may feel helpless, lonely, excluded or even guilty for continuing to enjoy aspects of everyday life. They may find themselves taking on more practical responsibilities while their partner is struggling emotionally. This doesn’t mean that they don’t care.
Sometimes, two people can be affected by the same loss in very different ways – and sometimes one person’s grief can become a major experience within the relationship even when the other person hasn’t experienced the loss themselves.
Finding a way to be alongside each other
For couples in this situation, the challenge is not necessarily to grieve in the same way. It may be about learning how to make room for two different experiences. The grieving partner may need to be able to say:
“I don’t need you to fix this. I just need you to listen.”
The other partner may need to be able to say:
“I can’t fully understand what this loss feels like for you, but I want to understand and I want to be here.”
That difference can be important.
Sometimes what a grieving person needs most is not advice or reassurance that things will get better, but the experience of having their pain acknowledged and their loved one staying emotionally present. At the same time, the partner who is supporting them may also need space to acknowledge their own feelings and needs. A relationship can become strained when one person’s grief takes up all the emotional space and the other partner feels that there is no room for their experience. Couple therapy can help create space for both realities to be heard.
Grief can change the way couples relate to each other
When we are grieving, our emotional resources can be stretched. Everyday responsibilities can suddenly feel difficult. Concentration and sleep may be affected. We may feel angry, anxious, numb, overwhelmed or exhausted. This can affect the relationship too.
A couple who previously enjoyed spending time together may find themselves withdrawing from each other. Affection and intimacy may change. Decisions that once felt straightforward can suddenly become difficult. There may also be new responsibilities – caring for other family members, supporting children, dealing with practical arrangements or managing changes to work and finances.
Sometimes the loss can also bring up difficult questions about the future:
What does our life look like now?
Who are we as a family?
How do we move forward without feeling that we are leaving the person we have lost behind?
These questions can take time.
Sometimes grief activates our need for connection
Our closest relationships can become particularly important when we are experiencing loss. From an attachment perspective, difficult experiences can increase our need to feel safe, supported and connected to the people we love. But this can create a difficult situation when partners respond differently.
One person may reach towards the other:
“I need you to be here for me.”
The other may pull back:
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to make this better.”
The first partner may experience the withdrawal as rejection and reach out even more strongly. The second may feel overwhelmed and withdraw further. Neither person necessarily intends to create distance. They may both be trying to cope with what is happening and protect themselves in different ways. Couple therapy can help partners recognise this pattern and understand what may be happening underneath it.
Sometimes we learn how to grieve from our families
Our experiences growing up can also influence how we respond to loss.
Perhaps you grew up in a family where people talked openly about their emotions. Or perhaps you learned that you should stay strong, get on with things and not burden other people with how you feel. A partner may therefore find it natural to talk about grief, while the other has learned to cope privately. Exploring family history can sometimes help couples understand these differences.
It isn’t about deciding that one way of coping is better than another. It is about becoming curious:
Where did I learn to respond to loss this way?
What does my partner need from me?
What do I need from my partner?
Grief can also affect intimacy
Physical and emotional intimacy can change following a significant loss. For some couples, closeness provides comfort and reassurance. For others, sexual intimacy may feel impossible or unimportant while they are grieving. There can also be changes in desire, energy, body image and emotional availability. Couples can sometimes find it difficult to talk about these changes, particularly when they are already struggling to communicate about their grief.A therapist can provide a safe space to talk about intimacy without judgement and help couples understand that changes in their relationship following a significant loss are not necessarily a sign that their relationship is failing.
How might an Accord couple therapist help?
Couples therapy doesn’t take away grief, and it isn’t about telling either partner how they should grieve. Instead, an Accord couple therapist can provide a safe space for both partners to explore what the loss has meant for them and how it is affecting their relationship.
Depending on the couple’s circumstances, this might involve:
• helping each partner understand the other’s experience of grief
• creating space for both people to talk about difficult emotions
• helping a partner who has not experienced the loss directly understand what their loved one is going through
• recognising patterns of withdrawal, disconnection or reaching for reassurance
• helping partners communicate what they need from each other
• exploring how previous experiences of loss may influence current responses
• supporting couples to maintain connection while allowing each person space to grieve
• exploring changes in affection, intimacy and sexual relationship
• helping couples navigate changes in family roles and responsibilities
• identifying when additional individual or specialist support may be appropriate.
The therapist’s role is not to tell a couple what their relationship should look like after loss. It is to help them understand what is happening and find ways of supporting each other through it.
You can grieve differently and still be connected
There may be times when your partner’s way of grieving feels very different from your own. These differences can be painful, but they don’t necessarily mean that you are grieving alone – or that your relationship has been damaged beyond repair.
Sometimes, the first step is simply recognising that you can both be affected by loss, even when your experiences are very different. Grief changes us. It can change our families, our routines and our relationships. But with understanding, compassion and support, couples can learn to make space for different experiences of loss while continuing to find ways to be there for each other.
If grief is affecting your relationship
If you and your partner are finding it difficult to stay connected following a bereavement or another significant loss, couples therapy can provide a space to talk about what is happening between you.
Accord CLG provides specialist couples therapy online and through centres across Ireland. To book an appointment visit https://www.accord.ie/counselling-services/