When you are in a committed relationship, you are not only bringing two people together. You are also bringing together two families, two sets of traditions and expectations, and often two very different ideas about what family life should look like. For many couples, extended family can be an important source of love, practical support and connection. Grandparents may help with childcare, siblings can provide friendship and support, and family traditions can give couples and children a strong sense of belonging.

But extended family relationships can also create challenges. You may find yourselves disagreeing about how often to visit family, how holidays should be spent, how much grandparents or other relatives should be involved in your lives, or how to respond when a family member becomes critical or oversteps a boundary. Sometimes the difficulty isn’t really about the family member at all. It is about how the couple manages the situation together.

Why can extended family relationships be difficult for couples?

Every family has its own history, traditions, communication style and expectations. What feels normal to one person may feel uncomfortable or intrusive to their partner. For example, one partner may be used to seeing their family several times a week, while the other may prefer more independence. One person may expect everyone to spend Christmas together, while the other has always divided holidays between families. There can also be differences in how couples understand privacy, parenting, money, childcare and decision-making.

Questions that may arise include:

-How often should we see our families?
-How do we divide time between both families?
-How much involvement should grandparents have with our children?
-What happens when a family member gives us unwanted advice?
-How do we handle criticism of our partner?
-What do we do when one of us feels uncomfortable around the other person’s family?
-How should we deal with family members who don’t respect our decisions?
-How do we manage family occasions and holidays fairly?

These issues can become particularly difficult when couples have different expectations about what it means to be a supportive son, daughter, brother, sister, parent or in-law. You may have different relationships with your families. One of the first things couples can recognise is that they don’t have to feel the same way about each other’s families. You may be very close to your family while your partner has a more distant relationship with theirs. Your partner may enjoy spending time with their siblings, while you find family gatherings stressful. Neither experience is necessarily wrong. It can help to be curious about your partner’s experience rather than immediately judging it.

Instead of:

“Why do you always let your family interfere?”

you might ask:

“What is it like for you when your family gets involved?”

Understanding where your partner is coming from can make it easier to find a solution together. Talk about family expectations before they become a problem.Many disagreements about extended family happen because expectations have never actually been discussed.You may each have assumptions about what you will do as a couple without realising that your partner has completely different expectations.

It can be useful to have conversations about:

-How often you want to visit each family
-How you will spend Christmas, birthdays and other important occasions
-How you will share time between families
-How much family members will be involved in your children’s lives
-What information about your relationship you want to keep private
-How you will respond to unwanted advice
-What you will do if a family member criticises one of you
-What boundaries are important to each of you

These conversations don’t need to happen only when there is a problem. Talking about family expectations when things are calm can make it much easier to deal with difficulties when they arise. Setting healthy boundaries with extended family. Having boundaries with family doesn’t mean that you don’t love or care about them. A boundary is simply an understanding about what is and isn’t acceptable within your relationship and family life. For example, a couple might decide that:

-They will make important parenting decisions together.
-Family members can offer advice, but the couple decides what works for their children.
-Personal disagreements within the relationship won’t automatically be discussed with parents or siblings.
-Visits will be agreed together rather than assumed.
-Both partners should be treated with respect.
-Important decisions about their home, finances and children belong to the couple.

Healthy boundaries can actually support family relationships because they make expectations clearer.Remember that you are a teamOne of the most difficult situations for couples can arise when one partner feels caught between their family and their partner.You may feel that you have to choose sides.

Your partner may say:

“You always take your family’s side.”

While you may feel:

“You’re asking me to turn against my family.”

This can quickly create a cycle in which both partners become defensive.It can be helpful to shift the question from:

“Whose side are you on?”

to:

“How can we deal with this together?”

Being a team doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with your partner about everything. It means being willing to listen to their experience, understand what is difficult for them and work together towards a solution. Be careful about putting your partner in the middle. If there is tension between your partner and your family, it can be tempting to expect your partner to deal with it directly. Sometimes that is appropriate. But there are situations where it may be more helpful for the family member to hear a message from their own relative. For example, if a parent repeatedly criticises their adult child’s partner, the adult child may need to communicate clearly that this is not acceptable.This doesn’t have to involve confrontation or hostility. It might simply mean saying:

“I know you care about us, but comments like that are upsetting for my partner. I’d really appreciate it if we could avoid discussing our relationship in that way.”

The aim isn’t to create conflict. It is to protect the relationship while maintaining family connections where possible. What if your partner doesn’t agree with you? You may believe that your partner’s family is interfering, while your partner doesn’t see it that way. Or perhaps you think your partner should spend more time with their family, while they feel pressured by those expectations. It can be tempting to try to convince your partner that your interpretation is correct. Instead, try to understand what the situation means to them.

Ask:

“What makes this difficult for you?”

“What would you like me to understand about your relationship with your family?”

“What would feel like a fair way of handling this?”

You don’t necessarily need to agree about everything before you can find a way forward. Protect your couple relationship. When extended family difficulties become a regular source of conflict, couples can lose sight of the relationship at the centre of the issue. Conversations about family can become arguments about loyalty, fairness or who is right. If this happens repeatedly, it can be useful to pause and ask:

“What is happening between us when we talk about our families?”

Perhaps one partner feels unsupported. Perhaps the other feels criticised or controlled. Perhaps one partner feels that they are constantly being asked to choose between their family and their relationship. Understanding these underlying feelings can be more helpful than continuing to argue about the original disagreement.There doesn’t have to be a winner.Managing extended family relationships isn’t about deciding which family is right or which partner is right.
There may be situations where a firm boundary is necessary. There may also be situations where compromise is possible. The aim is to find a way of maintaining important family relationships while protecting the couple’s connection, privacy and sense of partnership. Sometimes this means spending less time together. Sometimes it means agreeing different arrangements for holidays. Sometimes it means having a difficult but respectful conversation with a family member. And sometimes it means accepting that you and your partner will have different relationships with your respective families.

When extended family conflict starts affecting your relationship

Most couples experience some differences around extended family. It doesn’t necessarily mean that there is a serious problem in the relationship. However, if family disagreements are becoming a frequent source of conflict, resentment or emotional distance, it may be worth taking some time to understand what is happening between you.

You might notice that:

-You keep having the same argument about your families.
-One partner feels caught between their family and their partner.
-You feel that your partner doesn’t support you.
-Family members are becoming a source of ongoing resentment.
-You find it difficult to agree on boundaries.
-Conversations about family quickly become arguments.
-You are avoiding family gatherings because of tension.
-Difficulties with extended family are affecting your emotional connection as a couple.

You don’t have to wait until the relationship is in crisis before seeking support.

Getting support as a couple

Managing extended family relationships can be complicated because family relationships often have a long history behind them. Childhood experiences, family roles, expectations and loyalties can all influence how we respond to situations in our adult relationships. Couples therapy can provide a safe and confidential space to explore these difficulties and understand what is happening within the relationship.

At Accord, couples and individuals can explore relationship difficulties with professionally trained couples therapists. This can include difficulties involving extended family, communication and conflict, parenting and other challenges affecting couple relationships. The aim isn’t to decide who is right or wrong. It is to help couples understand each other, communicate more effectively and find ways of managing difficulties that work for their particular relationship. A healthier relationship with extended family starts with a stronger couple relationship
Your relationship doesn’t exist in isolation. Family, friendships, work, children and other relationships can all influence how a couple experiences everyday life. You may not be able to change your extended family. But you can work together on how you respond to family pressures. Listening to each other, talking openly about expectations, setting healthy boundaries and remembering that you are partners can make difficult family relationships easier to navigate.

If difficulties with extended family are affecting your relationship, Accord offers professional couples and relationship counselling both online and through centres across Ireland. To make an appointment click here