“Can we talk about what happened?”
“Not now.”
“You never want to talk about anything.”
“And you never leave things alone.”
For many couples, conversations like this can become familiar. One partner wants to talk, understand what is happening and find a way forward. The other feels overwhelmed, criticised or unable to find the right words and withdraws from the conversation.
The more one partner tries to engage, the more the other pulls away. And the more they pull away, the harder the first partner tries to get a response. This can create a cycle that is exhausting for both people.
When talking and withdrawing become a pattern
In couples therapy, this is sometimes described as a pursue–withdraw pattern.
It can begin with something relatively small. One partner raises an issue because they want reassurance, understanding or a resolution. The other becomes uncomfortable and tries to end the conversation, perhaps by becoming quiet, leaving the room or saying they don’t want to discuss it.
The first partner may experience this as rejection or indifference and try even harder to get their partner to engage.
The second partner may then feel even more pressure and withdraw further.
Before long, neither person feels heard.
The partner who wants to talk may be thinking:
“Why won’t you listen to me? Don’t you care enough about us to talk about this?”
The partner who withdraws may be thinking:
“Whatever I say will make things worse. I just need some space.”
Both may be trying to protect themselves in their own way, but the pattern can leave both feeling alone.
What’s underneath the argument?
Often, the argument isn’t really about who is right. Underneath the frustration there may be a much more vulnerable question:
“Do I matter to you?”
For the partner who pursues the conversation, the need may be for reassurance, connection or to know that their concerns matter. For the partner who withdraws, the need may be to feel safe, accepted and able to talk without making things worse. When these underlying needs aren’t recognised, couples can become caught up in blaming each other.
One partner becomes “too demanding”.
The other becomes “too distant”.
But these labels don’t necessarily help a couple understand what is happening between them.
Why it’s so difficult to break the cycle
Once a pattern has developed, couples can begin to anticipate each other’s reactions. One partner raises an issue expecting the other to shut down. The other hears the first few words and expects criticism or conflict. Both become defensive before the conversation has really begun. This can mean that even good intentions don’t seem to work. One partner may try harder to explain. The other may try harder to avoid an argument. Yet the result is often the same: greater distance.
The important thing to understand is that the problem may not be either partner. The problem can be the cycle the couple has become caught in.
How couples therapy can help
An Accord counsellor can help couples slow this pattern down and begin to understand what is happening between them.
Rather than simply deciding who is right or teaching one partner to communicate differently, couples therapy can help both people look at the interaction between them.
A counsellor might help a couple recognise:
-what happens just before one partner withdraws
-what the other partner experiences when this happens
-the feelings and needs underneath the anger, frustration or silence
-how each person’s response can unintentionally trigger the other’s response
-how to communicate concerns without escalating the cycle
-how to listen and respond in ways that create greater safety and connection.
This doesn’t mean that every couple will agree on everything. Healthy relationships still involve differences, difficult conversations and disagreements.The aim is to help couples find a different way of being with each other when those difficult moments arise.
You don’t have to wait until your relationship is in crisis
Couples sometimes assume that counselling is only for relationships where things have reached breaking point.It doesn’t have to be.You might seek couples therapy because you are having the same argument repeatedly, feeling emotionally disconnected, struggling to communicate or simply finding that you are no longer understanding each other as you once did.Recognising a pattern is not a sign that your relationship has failed.It can be the first step towards changing it.
If you and your partner feel caught in a cycle where one of you keeps trying to talk while the other keeps pulling away, there may be more happening underneath the surface than either of you realises.
Understanding the pattern can be the beginning of changing it.
At Accord, our couples therapy service supports couples who want to better understand their relationship, improve communication and work through difficulties together. If you would like some support for your relationship contact Accord.
www.accord.ie