Having children can bring enormous joy to a couple, but it can also change the relationship in ways that neither parent expected. The arrival of children brings new responsibilities, new pressures and often much less time for the couple themselves. For some parents, the relationship gradually becomes focused almost entirely on the children, with their own connection pushed further down the list.

At Accord’s recent Crinniú event, Dr John Sharry, co-founder and CEO of Parents Plus, explored the relationship between family life, parenting and the couple relationship, with a particular focus on supporting parents of neurodivergent children.

His message was an important one: supporting children also means supporting the adults around them — including the couple relationship.

When the couple becomes a team of parents
It can be easy for couples to assume that having a child will automatically bring them closer. But becoming parents can bring significant changes to a relationship. Couples may have less time together, more practical responsibilities and different ideas about how their children should be raised.

The relationship can gradually become more about managing family life:
Who is doing the school run?
Who is getting up tonight?
Did you remember the appointment?
Why didn’t you pick them up when you said you would?

These practical conversations matter. But when they become the main way a couple communicates, it can become difficult to maintain a sense of emotional connection as partners. Dr Sharry highlighted the importance of helping parents nurture both their relationship with their children and their relationship with each other. Supporting the couple relationship can be an important part of supporting the wider family.

You don’t have to parent in exactly the same way
One common assumption is that successful co-parenting means being completely consistent. But parents are different people. They may have different personalities, experiences and ideas about what their children need. Rather than expecting parents to respond in exactly the same way, it can be more helpful to focus on being responsive to the needs of the child — and to each other. Differences in parenting style don’t necessarily have to divide a couple. They can become an opportunity to understand each other’s perspectives and find ways of working together. This becomes particularly important when a child has additional needs.

When parenting feels more complex
Dr Sharry’s presentation also explored neurodiversity and parenting. For parents of neurodivergent children, everyday family life can involve additional challenges. Parents may need to navigate differences in communication, sensory needs, education, behaviour and support — often while trying to understand what works best for their individual child. And parents themselves can have very different experiences of the same situation.

One parent may feel that a particular behaviour needs immediate attention, while the other may see it differently. One may be focused on getting support from school, while the other is struggling with the impact on family life. There may also be exhaustion, uncertainty and frustration alongside the love and commitment parents feel towards their child.This is why listening to each parent’s story matters.

Six ways of supporting a neurodivergent child
Dr Sharry suggested a strengths-based approach to parenting neurodivergent children. This includes:
1. Tune into your child’s individual needs
Every child is different. Understanding the individual child, rather than focusing only on a label or diagnosis, is an important starting point.
2. Build a map of your child’s needs and strengths
Look beyond difficulties and identify what your child enjoys, what they are good at and what helps them feel secure and supported.
3. Recognise that you may need to adapt your parenting
Sometimes the approach that works for one child may not work for another. Parents may need to experiment, learn and adapt.
4. Create a supportive environment
Rather than asking only how to change a child’s behaviour, consider whether the environment can be changed to better meet the child’s needs.
5. Advocate for your child
Parents may need to seek appropriate supports and accommodations, including within education.
6. Understand your own neurodiversity and that of other family members
Understanding the different ways family members experience and respond to the world can help families develop greater empathy for one another.

And what about the parents?
One of the most important messages from the presentation was that parents need support too. When a family is under pressure, it can be easy for parents to put their own wellbeing — and their relationship — last. But supporting parents isn’t about telling them what they should be doing differently. It starts with listening. Dr Sharry emphasised the importance of listening to each parent’s story, recognising their strengths and helping them access appropriate resources and support.

For couples, this can also mean making space to ask:
How are we doing as a couple?
Not just:
How is our child doing?
Both questions matter.

Looking after the relationship while looking after the family
There is no simple formula for balancing the needs of a couple with the needs of their children. Sometimes the needs of a child quite rightly have to come first. But if the couple relationship disappears completely into parenting, it can leave both partners feeling lonely, disconnected or unsupported.

Small things can make a difference:
• Checking in with each other rather than only discussing the children.
• Recognising when your partner is struggling.
• Being curious about why you approach parenting differently.
• Finding ways to share the load.
• Making some space for the relationship outside of being parents.
• Asking for help when family life feels overwhelming.

And sometimes couples need more support to understand what is happening between them.
You don’t have to wait until things are falling apart. Couples often think about relationship support only when they are in serious difficulty, but relationship counselling can also provide an opportunity to step back, understand patterns that have developed and find new ways of communicating and supporting one another. For parents, this can be particularly valuable when the demands of family life have made it difficult to maintain the relationship they had before children.Looking after your relationship isn’t taking something away from your children. It is part of creating a supportive family environment for everyone.

At Accord, we support couples through the different stages and challenges of family life. If you and your partner are finding it difficult to stay connected while navigating the demands of parenting, relationship counselling can provide a space to talk, listen and work towards greater understanding.