Prevention of Flooding: 

In a couple situation the impacts of flooding can be very damaging. The flooded person: cannot absorb or process new information; feels that everything their partner says is an attack; tends to shut down; tends to avoid eye contact; wishes their partner would just disappear; if talking – will repeat themselves; is unable to listen, or if trying to listen will lose concentration; has no access to their sense of humour; struggles to think logically; struggles to see things from their partner’s perspective; is more likely to be defensive; and, is more likely to be aggressive.

These psychological effects of flooding stem from rapid changes that have just taken place in our physiology. When stress hormones, in particular adrenaline and cortisol designed to prepare our bodies for action in the face of life-threatening danger, have been released we are: unable to listen, unable to process any new information, and significantly more likely to be defensive and aggressive. 

It is very stressful to be regularly in the presence of someone who is prone to physiological flooding. If you are a child and either, or both, of your parents becomes flooded often it can be overwhelming. 

Couples experience great relief when they realise that their damaging outbursts or shutdowns (explosions or implosions) are typically associated with times when one or both had become flooded. It is helpful to know that defensiveness, counterattack, anger, and withdrawal are natural responses of a person who is in a flooded state. Logically, couples who have lived with the aftermath of these behaviours – and whose children may even have appealed to their parents to do something about the situation – are anxious to know how the flooding, which is so detrimental to their couple relationship and to the quality of family life, can be prevented. It is no surprise that – as is the case with the more familiar river flooding – the answers lie ‘upstream’.

Ideally, we would learn to recognise when we are becoming physiologically flooded and take control while we still can. Unfortunately, research has shown, people can’t tell when they are physiologically flooded. However, cardiovascular research in the 1980s1 provided information that is of great value to the person who wants to take control of their relationship-damaging, flooding-based behaviours. For the average person flooding tends to happen when our heart rate exceeds around 100bpm – for those who are super-fit the figure is approximately 80bpm. It also helps to know that flooding also presents as a state of mind… It can be useful to reflect on these thoughts: I’d rather be anywhere on the planet than in this room talking to this person; this has all come out of nowhere; I want to get out of here; I’m not appreciated; I’m being blamed; I’m being picked on; I’m powerless to convince this person of anything; this feels totally unfair; I’m repeating myself; I hate the way my body feels right now… If you’re thinking like that you are probably flooded.

COUPLES & Covid-19 CHALLENGE:
Look back to times when you suspect that you were flooded… Can you remember any changes in your body? Can you identify with any of the thoughts listed above? There is some good news – when we get better at paying attention to the clues – and perhaps get used to checking our pulse – we can choose to stop ourselves from doing relationship damage. We can then work on ways that will help us to regain a normal calm state quickly.
To access support now, contact:

ACCORD COVID-19 COUPLES & RELATIONSHIP SUPPORT LINE

01 531 3331     /     048 9568 0151     /     01 905 9555

 Ref
GOTTMAN, J.M. & GOTTMAN,J.S.(2018)  The Science of Couples and Family Therapy.  New York: W.W. Norton & Company

Rowell, L.B. (1986) Human Circulation: Regulation during physical stress. New York:  Oxford  University Press

MG (2020-05-08)